Thinker. Author. Technologist

(in that order…)

What do you want to know about me? My age? My qualification? My grades? My profession? Where I live? Who are my friends, parents? Will knowing all this help you know me? Are you sure that you know everything or anything about whom you know all the above? Let me tell you something that will really help you know me.

I am a human who doesn’t know, like most of you, why he exists in the first place. The universe existed before me and would continue to do so after I am long gone. I find the daily chaos meaningless, but I strive hard to find patterns or something that may possibly lead to a purpose. That maybe, all these clouds in the sky float to a ‘golden cloud’ somewhere that has all the rain.

So every morning, I get up from the bed hoping that maybe something that I do that day may push me a step closer to that golden cloud. I perform menial tasks like applying toothpaste to the brush, flushing the toilet, eating breads and then take a cab to my office. Life sucks because it is full of these and other menial tasks like paying bills, buying grocery, going out for dinners, entertaining relatives, faking happiness. It also sucks because I forget things and facts. I forget a lot. And lastly, life sucks because it’s too fast. So fast that I feel drugged and tranced.

Office is okay, the job doesn’t suck, and gives me a fragile justification of my existence in this world. But then the job consists of a set of repetitive tasks as well. So when I am back home, I write. If you don’t have to write for someone, you can write anything. Isn’t that liberating – You Can Write Anything! Although very remotely, but it feels like – You Can Do Anything!  But then I get accustomed to this ‘do anything’ feeling as well. I start finding this menial and repetitive. The passion becomes everything else. Boring, meaningless.

When at night I go to bed, just before falling asleep my heart gives this sudden jolt sometimes. As if it just stopped and then bounced back. I wonder what if my heart starts feeling these pangs of purposeless-ness and stops beating. What if my kidneys too get these pangs and someday decide to just allow me to explode like a piss balloon. The thought is frightening. What if the universe too gets frightened at the thought of my brainless musings on purposeless-ness when the purpose is so obvious. Maybe, I am the thumping heart.

So now you know who I am – the thumping heart of the universe.

Aashish Gupta